Scientists Discover Highly Referenced Island of Non-Veganity

by angryhippie

Several of the world’s top scientific journals broke the story late last week, but mainstream vegan media is ignoring the reports of this major geographical discovery. This subtropic island, that until recently was untouched by human beings, was found by accident while a scientific research team from the University of Pramdon Major was on a routine sample retrieval expedition from the Arctic ocean. This was part of an ongoing research grant the university had received, that now, with this latest discovery, they are hoping to expand upon.

The island, which had never before appeared in their designated research grid of the ocean was a shocking find as the team entered the otherwise familiar waters. Suggesting the island has remained undiscovered for this long due to it’s non-tethered base that allows the island to move freely through the oceans with strong enough currents, displacing the geographic anomaly throughout the year. But that wasn’t the most interesting bit of data the team brought back from the island.

According to the preliminary surveys of this unique land mass, the island is one that has been speculated about and hypothetically discussed for years in the vegan community. Which is one reason the silence from the mainstream vegan media about this find is indeed troubling for the continued subsistence of the movement known as veganism.

“I recognized it immediately!” said Trevor Johannes, a former vegan, who was part of the exploratory team who landed on the long-thought mythical island’s shores. “It was clear from the vast amounts of feathers, blood and bone, exactly where we had come ashore. I would have never believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes.” Johannes reported to the correspondents gathered at the team’s recently held press conference.

Perhaps it is Johannes last sentiment there, which has kept the MVM from addressing this find. But others, like long-time anti-vegan advocacy leader Christian Spencer of the decade old grassroots organization POP (People Opposed to Peta), believes the silence has a much wider implication about the chaotic state he believes the movement will be in, in the wake of this discovery.

The island’s main precipitation, even in the Arctic region it finds itself currently, consists primarily of raining fowl. Scientists remain completely in the dark about how any such meteorological event could occur, and insist that further study of the island is in order to determine the source of the precipitous poultry.

Other anomalies cited in the team’s initial reports indicated other animal inhabitants of the island, including an over abundance of bovine residents, all which were reported to have been aggressively eager to be consumed. The report is unclear as to what indications the cattle gave that were interpreted as their consent to consumption, but one source who spoke under conditions of anonymity seemed to suggest it was through some sort of audible indicators. Leading those at the press conference to infer that the cows somehow vocalized this consent.

Naturally, these preliminary findings will have to be further verified, but so far, it seems all accounts the team have provided have been factually accurate. With lead members even having submitted to polygraphs of their testimonies for initial verification. Given the outlandish nature of the claims, still members of the public remain skeptical. Though with another trip to the island already scheduled in the coming weeks with more teams of scientists in tow, the team hopes to lay this skepticism to rest.

The End of Veganism?

With so many implications stemming from this discovery, the one that seems to be gaining the most traction, even beyond the scientific, is what this could potentially mean for the vegan community at large. Hal Wystrop of the Healthier Consumers Initiative fears that this could be the “final nail in the coffin” of veganism’s attempt to gain mainstream acceptance among the public.

“Given the sheer volume of omni’s who ask vegans questions that would now seemingly be based on this newly discovered land mass in attempts to logically punch holes in or find a way around the lifestyle, the chances of getting anyone to seriously consider veganism as an alternative is slimmer now than it ever has been in the past.” Halstrop lamented in his recent interview with The Times Herald. “If they can now point to this island as some sort of sign that they were always on the right track, what chances do we vegans have now?”

Several religious groups have also jumped at this opportunity to show that their refusal to submit to more moral and ethically charged paths have been in step with God all along. As Pastor Terry Randall, of the Blood of the Lamb Church of Almighty Jesus Christ in Perryville, GA pointed out in light of this new finding saying, “Those hippies have been crying foul for years over their flawed interpretations of biblical text which they believe state we as human beings were not given these animals by God to consume!” Randall added, “It’s Godless hippie drivel, and this island proves it!”

Other indicators being pointed to that this discovery could spell trouble for the vegan movement came from reports that Happy Cow Consumables, a leader in the animal welfare fight (and an organization known to be partially owned by the founders of PETA) have begun legal proceedings to purchase the island. Sources close to those in charge of HCC have speculated that the acquisition would be for sourcing meats for their line of organic free-range food products. Representatives from both HCC and PETA declined commenting on the reports when contacted.

However, with last year’s rumors of the financial holdings in the company being currently restructured with sights on the resort vacation markets, others have speculated that PETA and HCC are seeking the island to open the first free-range, cruelty free organic hotel resort of it’s kind on the planet. Using the island with its unique properties and inhabitants as it’s potentially scenic locale.

Of course, one challenge this plan faces, scientists have pointed out, is the unpredictable mobility of this geographic anomaly, and how to work around that. Without constructing a major tether from the island’s base to the ocean floor, this aspect of the island could render plans to settle it something of an improbability.

Whatever the plans may be, and however the ownership of the island ends up being settled, this discovery makes one thing perfectly clear. From this day forward, whenever vegans are asked what they would do if they found themselves on an island that rains chickens or where the cows walk right up to you and demand to be eaten, they will have to actually give the smug, self-satisfied bastards asking a legitimate response. Lest they be seen as logically conquered.

As the ripples of this story spread throughout the world, we will be continuing coverage of any lasting developments, and reporting them to you here. Stay tuned…